Your Totally Reliable Recap of March Madness

Meleah York, Editor-in-Chief

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As someone who doesn’t keep track of March Madness, I’ve decided to provide my own interpretation of the college basketball playoffs that occurred last month, because representation of interpretation is one of the most important things we should provide.

We’re starting with the Elite Eight because honestly, nothing before that really matters. Auburn rose over Kentucky while Michigan State swiftly shut down Duke. Virginia and Texas Tech won their games against Purdue and Gonzaga, respectively, and we’ll see those champs a little while later…*wink wink*.

The Final Four took a close and intense turn, probably. Virginia pulled past Auburn just barely, and surprise, surprise! Tech pulled a yee-haw over Michigan State. At this time, post-it note tabs with “participation” written on them were passed out to all of the other loser teams, better luck next year, boys!

This brings us to the big boy championship, the one that everyone who doesn’t watch college sports pretends to care about, the Auburn/Tech game, and although Tech deserved to win, they didn’t. My stats calculations add up to this definitely being an opportunity for Texas to complain yet again about how they never win anything in sports.

The most important results, though, have got to be the outcome of March Mammal Madness. AP Biology students were pleased to hear that the animal video brawls resulted in the Tiger being the crowned champion, but are we really surprised? Either way, I’m thirteen points higher.

Obviously I know what I’m talking about when I say that this year’s March Madness broke records and smashed the hearts of so many young college lads who thought they were the best, but unfortunately were not. Thanks for tuning into this totally reliable review of March Madness, keep a lookout for next year’s edition, which I will not keep track of one bit.

 

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