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Ariana Grande Hosts a Valentine’s Bash…With a Twist

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Ariana Grande Hosts a Valentine’s Bash…With a Twist

Meleah York, Editor-in-Chief

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Ariana Grande has gone missing following a party she held in anticipation for Valentine’s Day.

The “7 Rings” singer allegedly threw a bash at an abandoned warehouse and invited three of her most recent exes, Big Sean, Ricky Alvarez, and Pete Davidson. Alvarez, reached for comment, details what happened.

“We all received these invitations in the mail,” Alvarez said. “It was for a Valentine’s Day party Ari held. We didn’t realize we’d be the only three people there.”

Alvarez goes on to describe the decorations as “very cheesy,” with heart balloons and a table with punch and cookies. There was a large stage at the back of the room.

“The cookies were stale, yo,” Alvarez said. “Total waste of my time. But the real stuff started when Ari actually showed up.”

“When she walked on stage, she didn’t say nothing,” rapper Big Sean said. “We were all like, what’s going on? What is this?”

All three party attendees also reported that after about a thirty minute period in which Grande only stood on stage with her arms crossed, she pulled a remote out of her pocket and said, “Thank you, next.”

“As soon as I saw the remote I knew we were done for,” SNL comedian Pete Davidson said. “She pressed the button, ran out of the building, and that’s when we started hearing a high-pitched beeping.”

Explosions were heard within a twenty-mile radius as the abandoned building burst in flames, all three exes trapped inside.

“We really had to fight for our lives,” Big Sean said. “I’ve never felt closer to these guys than I did trying to get out of that place.”

“All I could think about while I was in there was how my dad died the same way in 9/11,” Davidson said. “I felt closer to him than I’ve ever felt before.”

Every ex made it out alive, suffering first degree burns, and when they searched around the premises to question Grande, she was nowhere to be found.

The manhunt for Grande will continue until Thursday the 14th, breaking for Valentine’s Day. It will continue Friday the 15th.

Anonymous sources say Grande still intends to release her next album this month.  

 

“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.
About the Writer
Meleah York, Editor-in-Chief

Hey everyone! My name is Meleah and I am so excited to be Editor-In-Chief of the Wigwam this year! Additionally, I’m a member of the Keller Marching...

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Ariana Grande Hosts a Valentine’s Bash…With a Twist