AP English Investigated for Supposed Fight Club

AP English Investigated for Supposed Fight Club

Abby Tow, Managing Editor

AP English IV classes at KHS are currently under federal investigation for facilitating what some students are calling a “fight club.”

The mixed martial arts syndicate has been operating under the code name “class readings of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet,” but your trusted Keller High School online newspaper has gotten to the bottom of this atrocious criminal activity.

According to some students in Mr. Vogel’s 4A class, nothing about the readings seemed abnormal. But a few others felt an increasing tension that was becoming more difficult to ignore.  

“To say things were coming to a boiling point is an understatement,” Will Allison said.

Will had a minor role in Hamlet but played a major role in orchestrating the fighting about to take place.

“I’m a modern day entrepreneur. I saw an opportunity and I took it,” Allison said.

He began planning early on in the class readings who to pit against who. While he wouldn’t reveal his strategies, he did hint at using Reid Perry, another Senior at KHS, to incite conflict.

Perry, who although admitted to having no personal experience in combat sports, did possess the undeniable clout of playing Hamlet.

“When we signed up for parts, I put my name in every blank,” Perry said.

This power move established pre-fight that he was top dog.

Perry described in disturbingly and honestly, concerning detail how he felt connected to his character.

“Hamlet is me. To be or not to be? No. I BE Hamlet. I’ve been Hamlet. Could never not be Hamlet,” Reid said.

He employed fighting strategies he learned from taking on Hamlet’s role, specifically the fencing techniques.

While Allison clearly stated in preliminary discussions about the fight club that weapons would be strictly prohibited, Perry did not comply. Hamlet’s use of a medieval saber inspired Perry to bring his own fencing sword to class.

When asked if he had any knowledge of traditional fencing, Perry did not feel the need to supply an answer.

“Would you treat the sweet prince Hamlet like this? Disrespect him like this?” Perry said.

This incident did lead to a unanimous removal of Reid from the fighting circuit.

“I knew I shouldn’t have bet on him,” an AP English teacher said.

While this teacher requested to remain anonymous, the KHS journalism department has no problem exposing him.

The teacher is Kris Vogel. He not only allowed the fight club; he supported it. He brought snacks. Upon questioning, Vogel asserted that he was not liable for the actions of his students. He claimed the fight club that ensued was a product of American ingenuity, and as a “red-blooded Texas boy” getting in the way of it would be an “impeachable offense resembling treason.”

“I don’t regret anything I did or did not do. The kids can take the stage directions of Hamlet as literally as they want. It’s art. It moves people in different ways,” Vogel said.

Other teachers also had involvement.

“I shouldn’t have bet on Reid. I thought he was in fighting shape, but when I saw the Gucci slides and spray tan one day, I thought to myself, that bacon boy is a lost cause,” Mary Jo Zell, another AP teacher, said.

Zell has now signed a contract to KISD to teach until death as she lost all of her savings betting on Reid Perry.

Students were initially concerned by the sudden appearance of organized fighting in their AP class, but many weren’t opposed.

“I have a fight next week. Feds can’t stop me. I’m getting my coin. My pocket’s gonna be so heavy I’ll need help walking out of here,” Amaris Crawford, student and Class President, said.

Allison said off the record that Crawford is indefinitely the best fighter, but rumors of a new challenger, Grace Moore, are circulating.

“If Grace is fighting, we’re all done,” Allison said.

When asked to comment, Grace simply groaned spookily and said, “Pray for Amaris.” Upon further investigation we learned a bit more.

“Grace was snubbed the role she wanted in Hamlet and was stuck with Ghost Dad. I’ve been watching the rage build up in here since we started reading, and honestly, I’m scared to be the same room as her when she lets it all out,” Vogel said.

In exchange for this hard-hitting scoop Vogel asked us to include the following promo: tickets for the upcoming fight will NOT be on sale in Vogel’s classroom next Friday but also definitely will be.

 

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