10 Ways to Become a Better Person

You won’t believe #11


Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Let’s face the facts. There’s no beating around the bush on this one. Let’s get straight to the point.  

Alright, here we go. I’m going to lay it out to ya. Everyone is terrible. If you’re not really awful, then you have a little bit of awfulness in you. It’s true, we should know. We here at The Wigwam did a Buzzfeed test and it told us so! Buzzfeed can never be wrong on anything, right?

So today, we’re going to teach you 10 ways you can become a better person. These ten things are so easy that even a fish can do them! How do we know this? Because a fish did follow these ten steps! A goldfish named Steve was terrible before learning these ten steps. He hated puppies. Steve should have been locked up in jail, never to see the outside world again. But through this list he was able to become a reformed fish. Steve now runs a bakery just off Main Street where he sells cakes, pies, and cheese. Yes! Cheese!

So how do you become a better person?

Step 1: Start by cutting people off in traffic.
Doing so is very polite. People will honk their horns at you, but that just means you’re a good person for cutting them off. Cutting people off will most definitely not lead to road rage. Road rage is just a myth made up by the government, like the myth that Minnesota is a real state. The government made up road rage so it could justify poisoning the water to make us more submissive and willing to accept its help. This is why we need Libertarians in power — to prevent the poisoning of our water supply and to stop this lie that road rage is a thing.

Step 2: Threaten people when their political opinions differ from yours.
Look, we all have opinions, and that’s great. However, some opinions are just wrong and shouldn’t be allowed. Your opinion is the right opinion, and whoever disagrees with you is wrong. Therefore, you must threaten those people with violence and force them to believe in your opinions. In democracy people shouldn’t have different opinions from yours, and for those who do, they should be barred from speaking. Henry David Thoreau said it best: “I’m going to bust a cap in your head if you don’t agree with me!”  No wait….it wasn’t Thoreau, it was George Washington! He said it when they were making the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. My mistake.

Step 3: Don’t compliment yourself.
You should think that you’re worthless human garbage. Doing so will improve your self image and will make you happier overall. Every morning when I wake up, I walk over to my mirror in my bathroom and say this little mantra: “Wow, I look terrible. I’m trash! Why do I even bother getting up in the morning?” Saying this aloud normally puts me in a peak mental performance state. Tomorrow morning, I implore you to go to your mirror and tell yourself that you’re human trash. It should really improve your self image.

Step 4: Don’t let go of anger.
Keeping pent up anger is actually very good for you. It’s very healthy to bottle up all that anger, and in the long run, it will make you both healthy and wise. Research suggests letting go of your anger can cause digestive problems, difficulty sleeping and even heart disease.

To keep pent up anger, doctors suggest you don’t write down your feelings (because only weak people do that). Keep everything to yourself, don’t tell people how you really feel, and most importantly do not, under any circumstances, manage your thoughts. Telling people how you feel and managing your thoughts leads to letting anger out, and letting anger out leads to you having more anger. It’s scientifically proven! I’ve experienced it myself; I told someone how I really felt and then I just got the sudden urge to want to punch that person square in his stupid face. Now whenever I see him, I punch him because I remember that time I told him how much I hate his haircut. Now that I remembered the story, I want to punch him!

Step 5: Make excuses.
Blame everything on everyone else. Point fingers and don’t take responsibility for your actions. People love other people who make excuses for everything and never actually admit their faults. The moment you admit your faults, the moment they come to take over your brain! The system wants you to not make excuses! Don’t give into the system! Make excuses!

Step 6: Don’t be honest and direct.
Beat around the bush. Lie. Cheat. Violate the trust of your friends and family. People love it when you violate their trust. I should know! One of my friends has violated my trust before, and it made me closer to him as a friend. I now totally believe everything he says and assume that he won’t bail on me for other plans, he won’t tell me he’ll do something but actually won’t do it in the end, and he won’t lie to me. Want one way to make people trust you? Lie to them constantly and don‘t follow through!

Step 7: Don’t Think Before You Speak
Words do not carry any weight. Think back to when your girlfriend or boyfriend said yes to the question “Will you go out with me?” Remember that feeling of indifference you felt? See, when someone says something it doesn’t carry a lot of weight. Have you ever told an inappropriate joke or called someone a bleeping-bleep? Nobody really cared that you made that inappropriate joke, but they were rather confused as to why you said bleeping-bleep. If you’re going to swear, say the actual word. Saying “bleeping-bleep” is just a cop-out. Never take a couple extra seconds to think about the impact of your words before you say them out loud. You never know if you’re going to get the chance again to say it.

Step 8: Be ungrateful.
If someone gets you something, complain about it out loud. Make sure they’re in the room and know how unhappy you are with that gift. This is being ungrateful and it’s the most important skill in becoming a better person. Getting something instead of nothing is nice, but it would have been nice if you got that Apple Pen for your birthday and not just some shirts. Even if the Apple store was closed in Southlake and your parents couldn’t find anywhere else to get you the Apple Pen. Those shirts aren’t big enough to fit that Apple Pen size and shape hole in your heart. They can cover it up but not fill the hole.

Step 9: Ignore others.
Doesn’t it feel great when someone ignores you? Try and do the same for others. Studies have shown that it doesn’t really matter if people talk to you. Humans don’t have a social need that needs to be met.

Step 10: I’m just done with it all this year. This is the end of the article. Goodbye.

You’re now a better person.


“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.