Dear Ask The Wigwam,

How do I make a boy fall in love with me? Pls, help.

[email protected]

Hi @avocadogato,

Try stalking; it’s not creepy if it’s in the name of love. If you’ve already tried that, then maybe you’re asking the wrong guys. There are probably lots of guys into you but they’re just too afraid to ask. They could think that you might reject them because you seem like you’re just friends or because haven’t talked or seen them in a while. The person writing this might be one of those people. You never know.

This is Ask The Wigwam though; all we do is give unhelpful advice to made up questions because no one will ask us anything on our twitter account. No one will send us emails asking us stuff. Yes, we have an email. Please send us your questions either on Twitter or our email. Our Twitter is @Askthewigwam and our email is [email protected]

Hope this helps @Avocadogato.

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Dear Ask The Wigwam,

I want to ask this girl out to prom, but she requires a Promposal. I don’t want to do a promposal and I just want to ask her out and not make it a big deal. What should I do? Should I do a promposal or just ask her and not make a big deal about it?

[email protected]

Hi @Ijustwantthistobeoverwith,

There’s one way to solve this problem — not go at all. Don’t go to prom. Don’t go out at all that night. Prom is highly overrated and you’ll spend lots of money on something you probably won’t remember as the best night of your life. It’s not a night of fun; it’s a night of boredom. Have we ever been to prom before? Nope. But we’re just guessing and we’re normally right about this stuff. How can we be wrong about anything?

Don’t go to prom, @Ijustwantthistobeoverwith.

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Hey @Askthewigwam, Will you be participating in the walkout on April 20th?

[email protected]

No @PLAKEMAJrandomletters.

Ask The Wigwam will not be participating in the walkout. It’s not that we’re against protecting schools from guns, nor are we against the second amendment. We’re a newspaper column. We’re just words on a page of the internet. We have no political views nor could we walkout of a school. Unless someone was reading us as they did the walkout, that’s the only way we could participate.

@PLAKEMAJrandomletters, why would you ask such a silly question?

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@Askthewigwam, what’s your favorite tool?

[email protected]

Well “@NotBrianKetchum”,

If we were real and human, our favorite tool would be the eraser so that we can erase the messy handwriting of the assistant editor behind this column. After erasing his messy handwriting, we would slap him and tell him to use a computer to type up what he wrote.

An eraser is a tool, right @NotBrianKetchum?

“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.