• Listen to NDN Radio at ndn.playtheradio.com

New pill claims to cure Senioritis

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Scientists think they may have found a cure for the disease that’s become an epidemic.

Millions of people have been infected by this sickness, and until now there hasn’t been a cure. After many years of plaguing the earth, there may be a pill to cure the dreaded senioritis.

The early symptoms of senioritis start off simply with loss of motivation. It gradually evolves into not turning stuff in or just turning in sloppy work. Following that, the infected person starts getting low test scores due to not studying. The last symptom is grades in the low to mid 70’s. Students start passing classes and just shrugging saying “Pfft, I’m passing. It’s good enough.”

Some scientists have also found that there’s a very early symptom of senioritis, which takes place in the first semester of senior year. This symptom includes maximum work effort, good grades, not slacking off, and actually turning stuff in. This very early symptom is the key to finding the cause of senioritis and if the right thing triggers the lazy chemical in the human brain, this early symptom can devolve into senioritis.

What triggers senioritis and causes the very early symptoms to devolve? To answer this question, we went to Dr. John H. Pitts, the inventor of this pill.

“We find that the leading cause of senioritis is being accepted into college or knowing that you’re going to go to community college. The lazy chemical in patients brains was activated leading to either partial or full-blown senioritis,” Pitts said.

Pitts has been studying and researching a cure for senioritis since 2007 when his son was infected by the disease. His son, Lee Pitts, had been accepted into Texas A&M University in January of 2007. He almost lost that acceptance after nearly failing all his classes in the last semester of his senior year.

Pitts wondered if there were other students facing this issue — students infected by this terrible, terrible disease. So he conducted a survey.

He would go into his son’s high school and set up a table at lunch. With stacks of surveys and a bucket full of pencils, he would sit there and hand out surveys to the seniors. By the end of the school year, Pitts had enough surveys filled out that the results could be considered credible.

He looked at the results and was shocked to find that, yes, a large portion of seniors faced senioritis. This is when he decided to take action.

Pitts recruited the best scientists in Texas, bought the best lab equipment that he could afford, and then started researching a cure.

Eleven years after Pitts started researching a cure, on March 11, he and his team of scientists had a pill that was ready to be released.

“The pill is much like Tylenol with colds and allergies. If you take it for a week or two as needed, your body will get rid of the disease,” Pitts said.

According to the U.S Food and Drug Administration, the pill is not strong enough to be something that should be prescribed; it’s an over the counter medication.

The pill is set to be released to all major drug stores on March 15, while doctors offices and some none-school counselors have received it early.

When looking for it at the stores, Pitts said to ask for it by it’s common name, “The Pill.” The scientific name that will be used by highly educated people, as a way to show that they’re smarter than you, doctors, and scientists, is Diripio. According to Pitts and Google Translate, Diripio is Latin for “The Pill.”

“I hope that The Pill will help high school seniors get rid of their senioritis so they can go to college and be successful,” Pitts said.

 

“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.
About the Writer
Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Hello, peeps! I’m Thomas Winzeler! I’m a senior, and you should worship me. If you don’t want to worship me, then you should just kiss my feet or...

Leave a Comment

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




Navigate Left
  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    Keller Band Stranded in New York City

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    Ask the Wigwam

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    Thot Brigade Takes Over KHS

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    10 Ways to Become a Better Person

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    Mother Calmly Answers Phone After Screaming at Children

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    Ask The Wigwam: Love, Prom and Tools

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    What to do When Your Friends are Gone Over Spring Break

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    How They Really Make Those Green Drinks

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    The Mystery of March

  • New pill claims to cure Senioritis

    The Turnip (Satire)

    Believe You can Fly

Navigate Right
error: Content is protected !!
Keller High School's Digital News Source
New pill claims to cure Senioritis