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Ask The Wigwam

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

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Dear Ask the Wigwam,

Is this supposed to be a secret on who writes these answers?! Because everyone knows it’s you, Thomas! You can’t lie to us! You put your name on the article. So why label it “Ask the Wigwam” when it should be “Ask Thomas for advice that doesn’t help in the slightest.”

You need to get better at naming this stuff.

SomeJerkWithAnEmail

**********

SomeJerkWithAnEmail,

Because you’re asking the Wigwam stuff. You’re asking a Wigwam Assistant Editor stuff. Plus, it’s our choice on what the name is. A column called “Ask Thomas” seems like something a person full of himself would do. I would like to see you name articles. It’s tough to think of creative titles to draw people in. You have no right to judge us. Lastly, I give great advice! All the people that I have given advice too had their problems solved, their questions answered. You have no right to judge me! Only g*d can judge me!

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Ask the Wigwam,

So that advice you gave me about improving my grades thru osmosis, actually helped. Thanks to you, my grades are now below 60’s, my chances of going to a 4-year college slim, and my parents love me again! Thank you Ask the Wigwam! You helped me so much in my time of need!

Thank you so much!

MyParentsLoveMeAgain

**********

Hey MyParentsLoveMeAgain,

Congrats! I knew that you could do it. See SomeJerkWithAnEmail, I do help people! I give advice that helps people improve their lives. I’m the Dear Abby of Keller! I help people in need, I improve their quality of life and people love my advice! As Logan Paul says to do, I shall dab on you SomeJerkWithAnEmail. I shall dab on you so hard, that you bow down to me!

*dabs*

This issue of “Ask The Wigwam” is short because not enough questions were sent. Please, send more questions so we can answer them. Here’s the email that you can email us at [email protected]  We also have a Twitter account. Please, ask us stuff!

 

“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.
About the Writer
Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Hello, peeps! I’m Thomas Winzeler! I’m a senior, and you should worship me. If you don’t want to worship me, then you should just kiss my feet or...

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