Ask the Wigwam

Ask the Wigwam

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Dear Ask the Wigwam,

I have an issue with that Logan Paul article. (1) It’s fake news. You are fooling students with this article into believing that Logan Paul is coming to Keller to give the commencement speech. (2) It’s not Logan Paulers, it’s “Logangers.” Jake Paul calls his fans “Jake Paulers.” Both are very original and not cringy in the slightest. You must change that in your article then delete the article. Do it now. I’m offended and you must meet my needs!

Sincerely,

Angry Reader

*********

Dear Angry Reader,

We are so sorry for this. We really are. Our intentions here at the Turnip Section are NEVER to fool anyone. Fooling people is never our goal in the articles. It’s to provide real, factual news as well as real, factual opinion posts. That disclaimer at the bottom? Yeah, that’s not true. It’s real news. The person who wrote that article shall be punished for that article. In addition, an apology letter will be sent to everyone who read it and fell for it, the Logangers who are offended at me calling them Jake Paulers, and to you, Angry Reader.

We’re so sorry, and this will not happen again.

________________________________________________________________

Dear Ask the Wigwam,

That disclaimer at the bottom of the Turnip articles is coming across as you’re assuming that I’m stupid. Is that true? I may be dumb but I’m not stupid!

Please tell me what you’re calling me with this disclaimer!

From,

I’m with Stupid

*********

Dear I’m with Stupid,

That disclaimer isn’t assuming anything. If it is assuming something than we will tell it to stop assuming. How dare it assume stuff. Assuming stuff is bad. Even if you can’t help it. Even if you don’t have all the info, and you’re just going off what you think you know. Assuming stuff is bad. We assumed that Logan Paul was actually coming to Keller High School to give the commencement speech, but then a parent who has no info on the matter told us he wasn’t. We were assuming something.

I’m with Stupid, you’re not stupid.

________________________________________________________________

Dear Ask the Wigwam,

Logan Paul sucks. His videos are awful. He’s an awful person who thinks he can just ask for forgiveness after a month. Which he can’t. In fact, both of the Paul brothers are terrible. They’re attention seeking, click baiters whose  Youtube channels should be deleted.

Do you agree with me?

Your’s truly,

I Hate The Paul Brothers.

*********

Dear I Hate The Paul Brothers,

HOW DARE YOU! The Paul Brothers are gods! They can do no wrong! They are the pinnacle of entertainment! Everyone should strive to be just like the Paul Brothers. Everyone should be loud, annoying, not self-aware, and just be a douchebag. If you don’t agree with me, I’m going to dab on you. You’re also insecure about yourself that you feel the need to hate the kings of Youtube. I spit on you! You do not know dae waey!

You make me sick, I Hate The Paul Brothers.