Paulers Rejoice

Logan Paul to give commencement speech at graduation

Paulers Rejoice

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Keller Seniors received a special surprise for graduation this year. Logan Paul will be the commencement address speaker this year at graduation. Paul was reportedly selected by a committee who was persuaded by four girls wearing Logan Paul gear that is sold on his store.

Paul is known for making vlogs that involve running around, lots of yelling, and people making loud noises. He is also known for going into other countries and being disrespectful to the people, customs, and laws of that country. The latest example of this is in Paul’s latest videos of him visiting Japan. In one video he’s seen videoing people in public places, getting in the locals’ personal space, grabbing an octopus’ tentacle and hitting people with it, holding as well as pressing a fish and the octopus tentacle up against a window and just generally being a nuisance. In Japan it’s tradition and custom to not record people in public without their permission, to be polite and not be a nuisance.

“So as you would expect they absolutely loved Logan,” said a Keller student who identifies as a “Pauler.”

People from Japan commented on the videos with messages in Japanese that say “We love you, Logan Paul! Come back to Japan!”

“Well, obviously he is a shining example of what all Keller students should be. Loud, annoying, wanting to be the center of attention, never being self-aware of how annoying we can be and not adjust to social codes in different countries,” principal Dr. Michael Nasra said when asked about why he supports the committee’s choice of  Paul.

Paul put up a video called “I’M GOING BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL!” In which it’s 15 minutes of him yelling and doing random stuff. The last four minutes he’s dabbing and the last minute of the vlog he says he’s going to Keller High School to give the commencement speech. Some are calling this video clickbait for it not mentioning or referring to the title at all until the last minute of the video. Paul’s response to those people calling it clickbait was dabbing on “them haters.”

Paul right now is the most loved person on YouTube and in Japan. Especially for that video, he posted in which he went to the Suicide Forest in Japan and he showed someone who hung themself from the tree. Then went to go eat pizza and didn’t even mention it for the rest of the video. “I’m glad that Keller chose me to give their commencement speech! Now I know the students at Keller are Logan Paulers,” Paul said when asked if he was glad that he was chosen for giving the commencement speech at Keller.

Keller students had their own opinions on the matter and they made them known.

“I love Logan Paul! He’s the best!” said one student who was eating his lunch in the commons. His friend next to him also spoke up.

“Yeah, Logan Paul is an inspiration to us all!” said the friend.

One senior in the senior lot also had some important thoughts on the matter. “Stop following me! I don’t care about Logan Paul or the Commencement speech! GO AWAY!” he said.

A student coming off of the KCAL Bus said,“Logan who? Never heard of him.” That student was swarmed by angry students who were yelling “YOU DON’T KNOW WHO LOGAN PAUL IS!?!?!?!” That KCAL student’s funeral will be held on January 27th.

Finally a Band, Choir, Theatre, NDNTV Student, and a Quidditch student all at the same time said “Thomas, we don’t want to talk about Logan Paul! So shut up about it.”

Graduation will be held on May 26 at 8 a.m. Logan Paul will start his commencement speech at 8:10 a.m.

 

“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.