Ask the Wigwam

Ask the Wigwam

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Happy holidays, everyone! Merry Christmas! Put the gifts underneath a tree, decorate a tree, and put ornaments on the tree! Why a tree? Because we do for some reason. Don’t question it.

Happy Hanukkah. Light the menorah and spin that dreidel you made out of clay!

Happy Kwanzaa. do whatever people do on Kwanzaa.

For those other holidays we missed, then Happy Holidays.

Before we answer your burning questions, we wanted to say that we here at The Wigwam hope everyone has a great holiday season, a great holiday break, and hope none of you failed your classes. 


Dear Ask The Wigwam,

How do I make the break come faster? Thanksgiving wasn’t long enough. Plus after the break, I’m closer to graduating and to be frank, I want to get out of here as soon as possible.

Yours truly,

A Senior With Senioritis


Dear A Senior With Senioritis,

Well, obviously you need to sacrifice three freshmen to the senior gods and then go pray to our Lord and savior NasDaddy. Freshman are easier to convince that they want to be sacrificed and NasDaddy likes to be told he’s the greatest. On a side note, did you know that if you rub NasDaddy’s bald head it will bring you good luck? Have a merry Christmas, A Senior With Senioritis.


Dear Ask The Wigwam,

Why isn’t Newtonmas more popular and celebrated than Christmas? Why do people believe that made-up story of *insert Christian religious figure here* being born during Christmas? Why don’t more people celebrate my Atheist holiday Newtonmas?


Angry Atheist


Hello, Angry Atheist.

New-what-mas? Never heard of it. So, therefore, it isn’t real and I shall not Google it because I know it isn’t real.

You’re a crazy person, Angry Atheist

Editor’s Note: We’re so sorry for those atheists we made angry because we called one of your people “crazy.” We hope to not offend you in the future.


Dear Ask The Wigwam,

What’s a boyfriend and how can I download one?


I Need Love


Well, I Need Love,

To download a boyfriend, you must first go to this website called “iBoy Friend.” Once you’re on this website, you simply press download a boyfriend and put in things you wish to see in one. Like for those who want a clingy Boyfriend, all you have to put is “One that will love me.” Since it’s hard to download a boyfriend you will have to download two pieces of paper. Yes, two. Not one, not three, but two. The first paper is a receipt. The second one is a piece of paper with the words “I have a Boyfriend.” You can share the second one with your friends. You could also share the first one, but only if you want your credit card information stolen, which I hear is a lot of fun. The next step is to give them your address. They will send your boyfriend in a brown box with the words “Boyfriend” written in five different languages. This is because they don’t know which language you speak. This is also because the people who receive your order, make it, and send it to you, are Chinese. They live in China and do not understand English, which is sad, but true. Once you receive your boyfriend, install his software onto your computer and you’re all good to go. If you think he sounds like a robot, then you probably never met a guy in your life. That’s how guys really talk.

Good luck with the boyfriend, I Need Love.


Well, that’s it for this issue. From all of us here at the Turnip, have a happy holiday.