How to Make Coffee Like an Advanced Human

How to Make Coffee Like an Advanced Human

Mack LeBlanc, Staff Writer

Coffee. We all drink it, and if you don’t I would like to kindly ask you to exit as you are obviously not a human. It gives you a good boost in the morning, or the afternoon, or at three a.m. when you have to finish that article for the school paper (cough). But everyone seems to argue over how you’re supposed to drink it. I mean, milk? Creamer? Flavoring?! And don’t get me started on that raw brown sugar crap. So, how are we supposed to drink coffee?

Well, let me tell you how the best kind of people drink their brewed bean juice.

In recent years there was a study done by the University of Mr. Dr. Einstein Hawking that studied people who drink their coffee black. “If you drink coffee straight from the pot black, you’re insane; there’s no two way about it. You enjoy a mild form of torture of the taste buds every morning, no person in their right mind would do that to himself,” Dr. Einstein Hawking said.  In which case, drinking it straight is not the way to go.

What about taking your coffee with a ton of milk and sugar? I’m talking you drip a tablespoon of coffee into a bowl of milk and pour a whole bag of sugar into it. If you are that person — sit down please, hey, hey, stop shaking. Are you okay? Do you realize how hard you’re going to crash in a second? You made your coffee into a simple syrup, how are you still alive? This monstrosity is not how you should sip a cup of Joe either, not only because it is intoxicatingly sweet, but because you will die.

Let’s get down to buisness. Pour a cup three fourths of the way full of straight coffee, get out some milk, fill the cup the rest of the way, and put in small spoonfuls of sugar, four at the most. Stir, sip, and that my friend, is what coffee is supposed to be. Not too bitter, not shadowed with sugar. Do not be the people previously mentioned; just have a nice cup of coffee. You don’t need to be extreme with it.

Finally, paraphrased from the study, if you make your mug the way mentioned in the last paragraph, you are at the peak of human evolution.

Congratulations. Enjoy that cup; you deserve it.