Ask the Wigwam

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

Welcome to the new ask section in The Wigwam! It’s “Ask The Wigwam where we answer your questions. Think of this as a better version of “Ask Abby.” We’re the name-brand ask section, “Ask Abby” is the store-brand. “Ask Abby” is to “Ask The Wigwam” as Coke is to Pepsi. We’re Coke and “Ask Abby” is Pepsi.

So you can ask us questions on our Twitter account @Askthewigwam and we may choose your question to answer in the next issue of the column. So ask us some questions. You should do it. No, you need to ask us questions. Do it. You will make the Twitter account sad, and you don’t want to do that.

Let’s begin, shall we?

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Dear Ask the Wigwam,

My grades are terrible. I’m failing all my classes, and I need to improve them! How should I do so?

Sincerely,

My Parents Don’t Love Me If I Have Bad Grades.

 

Dear “My Parents Don’t Love Me If I Have Bad Grades,”

The one sure fire way to get better grades is to not study and do not turn in anything. I can hear you thinking to yourself “Wait…that can’t be true! In the 2015-2016 school year’s first issue of the print edition of The Wigwam, you made an article called Freshman Advice and you told fish to not study, do homework, or turn anything in. I did that and now my grades are crappy!” Well, you probably still took notes during class which blocks out this natural ability we all have. It’s called osmosis. According to a quick Google search, the definition of Osmosis is this,“

  1. a process by which molecules of a solvent tend to pass through a semipermeable membrane from a less concentrated solution into a more concentrated one, thus equalizing the concentrations on each side of the membrane.
  2. the process of gradual or unconscious assimilation of ideas, knowledge, etc.”

You can do Osmosis in school with what you learn from notes. However, to retain that information you need to do one simple thing. DO NOT STUDY! Scientific research has shown that studying can lead to several over studying diseases. Such as Brain Exploding (That’s when your brain explodes from all the knowledge in your head.That sounds cool but it’s not. It’s messy and could kill you. You don’t want the last thing that people do for you to be clean up pieces of your brain), turning into a nerd, getting really good grades and the worst of all….BEING IN THE TOP 10% AND HAVE THE CHANCE TO ATTEND HARVARD!! OH, THE HORROR! ATTENDING AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL!!!

Good luck and hopefully your parents begin loving you again.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The following question contains graphic content. Readers discretion is advised.

 

Dear Ask the Wigwam,

What’s the solution for X2 + 3x+5=X+4?

Sincerely

Math Troubled.

 

Hello Math Troubled,

OH, MY GOD!! ALGEBRA!! Dear god man!! Have you no decency?!?! There are women and children reading this! You’ve scarred the poor freshmen for life. Women, now terrified to even step outside their house. You have ruined people’s lives and you should be very ashamed.

Our society today has no morals. This question is even worse than that show called Bob’s Burgers and we all know that’s a morally corrupt show. In the famous words of our 41st President, George H.W Bush,“We need more people like the Waltons!” (I have no idea who they are. I just heard that George H.W Bush said this quote and I thought it would be useful to use.) “And fewer people like the Belchers!”

Math Troubled, you disgust me.

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Dear Ask the Wigwam,

My girlfriend just cheated on me! What should I do?!?!?

Sincerely,

Betrayed Heart

 

Hello Betrayed Heart,

The only logical thing to do is fight the person who she cheated on you with. If you win, you win the affection of your girlfriend and if you lose…well, at least you tried.

Good luck Betrayed Heart! May the chances of you winning, be ever in your favor.

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Dear Ask the Wigwam,

How do I lose weight?

Sincerely,

2Fat2luv

 

Dear 2fat2luv,

I suggest you eat nothing but one bite of bread a day. This will cause you to lose weight fast. People may believe this is unhealthy and could lead to some health risk. I call it the “Losing Weight In 3 Easy Days Diet.”

Good luck with losing weight.

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Well, I hope this advice helped y’all with your problems. Remember, please send us questions on Twitter on our Twitter account @Askthewigwam

We’ll see you in the next issue!