Bald Principal Announces He is Running for President: Many Shocked


Thomas Winzeler

Comic of Dr. Nasra’s press conference

Thomas Winzeler, Assistant Editor

On September 8th, Principal Dr. Michael Nasra announced something that nobody saw coming. In 2020, he will be running for President of the United States as an Independent. At the announcement press conference, the room was filled to the brim. The flashes reflecting off his head from the photographers’ cameras were so intense at one point that I had to put on sunglasses. Leaning into the microphones at his desk, Dr. Nasra, who at this point had put on sunglasses as well, kindly asked the photographers to stop taking photos.

“I said, stop taking pictures! If you don’t stop I will suspend y’all from this school!” said Nasra in frustration.

Just behind Nasra, Assistant Principal John Taylor had leaned up against the wall leading up to this point. When the photographers wouldn’t stop taking photos, even after Nasra’s threat to suspend a bunch of grown adults and a couple of students, Taylor stepped in. He quickly walked up to the microphones and bellowed into them saying, “Did y’all not year him? Stop taking photos! Y’all are worse at listening than a bunch of ADHD freshmen who haven’t taken their medication yet!”

And with that, the flashes from the cameras stopped. Taylor proved once again that he can make anyone do what he wants just by yelling.

Pulling the microphone closer, Nasra began the press conference and said, “Good morning, everyone. I know you’re all wondering why you were called here.”

An unnamed reporter whose first name might start with a “T” and end with an “S” and whose last name starts with a “W” and ends with an “R”, called out to Nasra, “Because you summoned a press conference!”

Ignoring this reporter, Nasra continued. “Well, the reason why you were all summoned here today is that I have an announcement. I shall be running for President in 2020!”

A collective gasp was let out among the crowd. “And my running mate, my vice president choice, is Mr. John Taylor!”

An even bigger gasp comes from the crowd. The idea that our beloved AP would even accept an offer to run for Vice President and leave Keller High School was shocking. How could he have done this to the high school students here at Keller? Although it wasn’t told to us then, Taylor said he was forced into doing this. Now, he did word it as being ” talked into doing this,” but we all know that isn’t the truth. He was forced to do it.

A reporter in the crowd asked about his policies. Nasra nodded and said, “Yes, I was about to mention some of my policies. My policies as President are going to be simple. I want to first put an emphasis on that we as Americans are one big family. Our new motto will be changed from some Latin mumbo-jumbo to something easier to say! It shall be ‘Fear the Tomahawk Missile!’”

Nasra wanted something like “Fear the Spear” and the only thing he could come up with was “Fear the Tomahawk Missile.” He was asked if maybe he considered that to be too militaristic and threatening to other nations. Nasra claims that by having this be our motto as a country, it will show that we are strong. It will show that we are proud of our country and if you mess with us, you’re going to get a boot stuck up your butt and a Tomahawk missile fired at you. 

Nasra also wants to ban pranks. His logic is this: “They’re offensive, dangerous and just plain mean!” He said that worst type of prank is the conga line. A  reporter in the crowd called out to Dr. Nasra and said, “But a conga line isn’t a prank.”

Nasra just shook his head and told him about the class of 2016’s prank, in which the seniors formed a conga line and conga-lined down the hallways and how it was mean to other students who aren’t seniors. Keller High School and the country as a whole need to be inclusive. Nobody should be ignored.

Immediately after saying that, Nasra proceeded to ignore the reporters raising their hands to ask questions and instead stated why he hates conga lines so much. It started during his time in Vietnam when the North Vietnamese would use their most terrifying tactic in the war. What was that terrifying tactic? Well, dear reader, it was a conga line. They would conga line into US Army Camps and trample over everyone. Imagine this:  2,000 North Vietnamese soldiers all in a line come into your unit’s camp, trampling over anything or anyone. Imagine how it would feel if 2,000 slowly dancing Vietnamese soldiers slowly danced on top of you. Just thinking about it hurts.

Nasra had his camp get attacked by the conga line, and while he survived this tragic accident, many soldiers in his camp were not so lucky. One of his best friends, Mark Bravo, died from injuries that were caused by the conga line.  His last words were “Nasra! I’m fine! Put the gun down! You don’t need to shoot me to ease my pain!” followed by some painful screaming and swear words.

Besides pranks, Nasra also wants to build up the NASA budget. He wants to go up into space and steal the moon. His goal since he was a young bald boy was to go to the moon. But his dreams were crushed by his Russian mother who sounds like Julie Andrews. The way he will steal the moon is by using a shrink ray that will shrink the moon. Once he has done so, he will get back into his ship and fly back to the White House and put it on display in the Oval Office. When people walk in they’ll ask, “Hey, is that the moon?” And he’ll proudly say, “Why, yes it is!” Why does he want to steal the moon, other than to put it on display in the Oval Office, is the question most of us asked during the press conference. Well, not most of us actually. It was one reporter that asked the question, but most of us were thinking the question. Nasra never exactly answered that question specifically; he just gave vague answers. Annoyed with getting vague answers, a reporter from the back yelled out, “STOP BEING VAGUE AND GIVE US A REAL ANSWER!” 

Nasra ended the conference with “I have plans to defeat Donald Trump and whoever is the Democratic candidate. If it’s Bernie Sanders, I will most likely offer more free stuff than him and that should win me votes! Will I keep any of those free stuff promises? Heck no!! It’s just to get elected! Having all this free stuff would put more taxes on the taxpayers! I don’t want to pay those high taxes when I get out of office!!” And with that, the press conference ended. Seeing this article needs more filler to make it longer, we headed out to ask the students what they thought of this.

Many students were shocked to hear the news. “Wait! Dr. Nasra is running for President, and Mr. Taylor is his Vice President?!?! Why would Mr. Taylor leave us?!?! Forget about Nasra, the person who we don’t want to leave is Taylor!” said one student.  

One student who was running cross country said “NOT NOW, THOMAS! I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF CROSS COUNTRY PRACTICE!”

A student who was standing outside the choir room just flat out said, “Now I know who I’m NOT voting for.”

Asking random people and recording their answers became too much work and the people covering this story are far too lazy to do anything that requires effort, so we just did an online survey. We set up a computer in the commons and abducted…I mean, we asked people to take the survey. The choices were “1. I’m excited to see this and wish  Dr. Nasra the best in his campaign. 2. I don’t want Nasra to leave. 3. I don’t care what Nasra does but I’m sad to see Mr. Taylor leave.  4. Good riddance. 5. NASDADDY 2020!” 60% of those who took the survey voted for three, 20% voted for Good Riddance and another 20% voted for “NASDADDY 2020!” Nobody voted for #1 and #2. That tells you how the school feels about Dr. Nasra.

Whatever happens, we here at The Wigwam want to wish Dr. Nasra a successful campaign in 2020. We will be covering everything you do in this election and if you do or say something stupid that may offend people, we will turn into something like CNN covering Donald Trump quicker than you can say, “fear the spear”.

Keep reading The Wigwam for more information on Nasra running for president.


*Disclaimer: The preceding article is satire.