Mr. Clemmons is the hulk

Mr. Clemmons is the hulk

Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus Editor

This year the Asparagus section revealed that Mr. Taylor was Batman, covered the Clown problem in Keller, Trump sneezing and the outrage that ensued, while providing a excellent rundown on the election and the madness that followed. It also gave you a guide to Black Friday, ten ways to prepare for Trump’s presidency, and steps to not dropping out of high school. This year has been a good year for the Asparagus and we look forward to bringing you more factual news in the future. This year we proved that we’re more trustworthy than the other sections in this wonderful news source that nobody knows about called The Wigwam.

But before we stopped writing stories for the year, we heard from an anyomous source that the Hulk is in our school. That’s right! The Hulk! Not only do we have Batman but we also have the Hulk. When asked who it was, the source never responded. He told us that he didn’t want to release that information. We try to push further but he wouldn’t continue and told us, “Sorry! I have to continue teaching Astronomy! Ok! Pull out your notes….” So we started on the search.  

After some hard research and having to go watch the Quidditch team play Arlington Martin High and Central in a Tri-Quidditch tournament (It’s a great sport! Everyone says so! *This ad has been paid for by the Keller High School Quidditch Team) we finally got what we’ve been looking for! Proof of Mr. Clemmons being the Hulk. Now we did have a photo but in The Hulk’s rage (due to the Quidditch team being beaten by it’s Quidditch rival Arlington Martin) the camera got destroyed. So you need to trust us on this.

Why would Mr. Clemmons be the Hulk? What would he have to gain?!?! Nothing! It just happened in a experiment gone wrong by the Duke science department. It all happened after some chemicals spilled outside of the lab. Mr. Clemmons was walking by just thinking what any Arkansas Razorback thinks “Man! The Texas A&M football team is much better than my team!” when he slipped on the spill and fell right onto his back! The chemicals soaked right through his clothing and got into his skin. What the scientistx at Duke didn’t know is that they put the wrong chemical in. Must have happened because they were too busy thinking about how UNC’s basketball team was so much better than Duke’s. Anyway, the chemical happened to have a mutator in it, one that when in a human body, the chemical reaction that happens when you experience anger would activate the mutator and turn you into a monster called “The Hulk.”

It would make sense that Mr. Clemmons was the Hulk! He’s generally a nice guy to everyone, maybe because he doesn’t want to let the beast out, but if you question his knowledge or defy him he turns into the hulk. So that brings up the question, what was he really doing during his time off to go do Jeopardy? Was he really playing Jeopardy, or was he helping the Avengers fight or being the stunt devil in a Avengers movie?

That brings up a different question! If he really was the Hulk, wouldn’t we see him in the movies? Nope! Because he’s the stunt devil. They wanted someone that the general public (outside of Keller) knew. So they got the actor that plays the Hulk in non-Hulk form.

Mr. Clemmons can hide this no longer! He needs to come out and tell the world that he is the Hulk!