Summer Fun

Bear Grylls braves the fun of summer. All. By. Him. Self.

courtesy of Creative Commons

Bear Grylls braves the fun of summer. All. By. Him. Self.

Emma Bauer, Staff Writer

Ah, summer: every American kid’s favorite time of year. The time to go on long road trips to see family or go to Disney World, play in the pool, spend days at a friend’s house, or soak up that summer sun.

Except for you.

However, you will not let this summer be like just any ordinary summer. You are going to attempt this summer Bear Grylls style.

It starts from avoiding the sun at all costs. In your mind, Bear Grylls is a vampire. Like Edward Cullen or something. You wouldn’t be surprised if Bear drank animal blood at this point anyways. So, on you go to brave the darkness. You begin to construct a pillow fort in your room, in that dark darkness, from the materials you can forage. Better than a camel carcass or something.

To add to your hardships, you run to the pantry like a sandpiper, grabbing all the Quaker granola bars you can fit in your pants before returning to the solace of your home.

Loud, strange noises permeate your peace from downstairs. It is violent and high pitched. Perhaps the creature you once knew as “mother,” before you embarked on this life-changing experience, was yelling at you to come out of your room.

She wouldn’t understand, you write in your journal. You turn to a shrine you took days to build. A shrine of Bear Grylls, which you promptly glued glitter to, for he must shimmer like Edward.

If you end up having to socialize, you have forgotten all forms of human communication, and simply screech at people like a pterodactyl or estranged gopher. Do gophers screech?

In that instance, your mother pretends she is unaware of your existence.

Totino’s Pizza Rolls may end up being your only friend. They are warm, like human beings. A delicacy, and a welcome break from chocolate-dipped granola bars.

But you are not supposed to eat your friends. Instead, treat them like you would a person you were fond of when you were forced to socialize during the school year. Watch movies together, maybe go for a swim- it is summer after all- or talk about your feelings. They’re great listeners.

You must make a promise to limit socialization as much as possible. Documenting your journey on Tumblr is an exception. If they find you dead, at least they will have that to look back on.

Want your summer to warrant this nearly unfathomable excitement? Follow this simple guide and you’ll be in summer paradise in no time.