Trump Sneezes, Outrage Ensues


Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus editor

“I was just sitting there next to him. Just minding my own business. Than all of a sudden he lets out a horrifying sound! He sneezed!! I was scared for my life!” White House intern Jane E. Scared said.

Mrs. Scared has been an intern at the white for a couple of weeks now. She has done everything from going to Starbucks to get coffee for Vice President Mike Pence to buying a new pen for President Donald Trump. She was enjoying her work at the White House until yesterday afternoon. When President Trump came out of the Oval Office and paused for a moment in front of the door, right next to the chair Mrs. Scared was sitting in, he sneezed. While most people have been telling Mrs. Scared that it’s normal for people to sneeze, she keeps on insisting that Presidents don’t sneeze.

Mrs. Scared said, “I voted for Clinton in the election, but that doesn’t matter; I don’t believe in the fact that Presidents should ever get sick or sneeze! We never saw Obama sneeze or get sick. So, why should Trump be able to? Sneezing has been added to my list of things I’m terrified of. He did not even tell me he was going to sneeze! The flu is going around and I don’t want to catch it!”

PTSD symptoms set in as soon as she sees someone raise their elbow, close their eyes, open their mouth and make the putrid sound of the sneeze. Her PTSD can alsobe triggered by someone doing The Dab.

Even though Mrs. Scared voted for Hillary Clinton, she chose to fulfill her obligation as a White House intern. “I signed up months before the election because I was so sure Clinton would win. When she didn’t, I cried for a month. I was going pass on the internship, but then I realized I could see how bad Trump is,” she said.

Many politicians and people who are not on the Extreme Left and Right are questioning why this is even a controversy.

“It’s just a sneeze! What’s the big deal?” Marco Rubio said while being interviewed in front of the capitol building. A shoe was than thrown at him.

“TED! IF YOU THROW ONE MORE SHOE I SWEAR TO G*D I WILL STICK EVERY SHOE IN THAT SACK UP YOUR (censored).” Marco Rubio said foot. Not the other part of the body you are thinking of.

Apparently Ted Cruz has been playing a prank on Senator Rubio. The prank is whenever Rubio is giving a speech or answering questions, Cruz throws a shoe at him. Why does this have anything to do with the sneeze? We do not know. We’re just giving you background info on why Ted Cruz is throwing shoes at people.

Democrats and Republicans alike have come together to tell the hordes of angry Extreme Left and Extreme Right to stop fighting in front of the White House and to tell Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to stop encouraging them by giving them weapons.

“The guns, bats, rocks, pepper spray, rocket launchers, flame throwers, and dark magic will not end this fighting. So, stop giving them these weapons,” said one voter. It appears the war of words has turned into the war of the parties.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you say war, of, and words at any time, in any place, in any order, Mrs. Scared will flip out and become triggered. Her time in the “War of Words” has caused severe PTSD. It’s even worse than that of military veterans. Remember…just doing the dab can cause PTSD. We have to respect these people or their whole life is ruined.

Mrs. Scared has been asked by every sane person and sane politician…scratch that. Every sane person. We all know that there’s no such thing as a sane politician. Mrs. Scared has been asked by every sane person to not file a lawsuit against Donald Trump and the sneeze. She did not listen and her lawsuit was sent to a judge. It was immediately shot down. The judge dismissed the case.

Mrs. Scared responded with a lot of F bombs and other obscenities. She called the judge a “racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, transphobic, and Islamophobic.”

The judge turned out to be a gay Democrat who voted for Hillary Clinton.

Mrs. Scared will continue to try to get her case heard. Even if that means sacrificing her first born child to the gods. As for the issue at hand, the Extreme Left and Right continue to fight over this sneeze and The Wigwam will continue to cover it