Pick Your Woman!


You arrive on the game show Pick Your Woman. There are three illuminated doors decorated for Valentine’s Day. Behind each door sits an eligible bachelorette. Let’s hear their qualifications before you choose your match.

Bachelorette #1

My perfect date is to pull up in a ‘Rari at a bopping art museum. Once we arrive, we’ll grab some sweet, sweet ice cream and head to the playground. Ideally, I will be able to do 16 pull ups on the monkey bars in order to win your affection. If I do less, I expect to be kicked in the shin. Immediately following these events, we will go to the Chuck E. Cheese’s ball pit to explore each other’s personalities. A perk would be to dance with the sweaty, creepy mouse man out of costume.

About me: I am a living breathing egg salad sandwich that can make all your dreams come true. At all times I will provide you with at LEAST two milk. Two milk is very important to me. One milk is not enough for any lover of mine.

Bachelorette #2

My perfect date includes me and my mans taking a trip to the animal shelter. I expect to be showered in puppies even if that means you have to buy them all. Afterwards we can order Chinese takeout from the sketchiest place on the strip, and enjoy the fine cuisine outside the dog park in downtown Fort Worth. While we are there I expect to be thrown through the fifth floor window of the nicest penthouse; there, maybe I can find a suitable sugar daddy to replace you. Jk, you’re stuck.

About me: Picture the most expensive toaster on the Target shelf; that’s me.

Bachelorette #3

Picture this: we arrive at the Cracker Barrel in my 2006 Honda Accord. We’re both wearing leather pants. We both look great. We do whatever people do at the Cracker Barrel. I drive you home but we can’t talk. The only thing we can do is listen to “The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia” by Reba. We arrive home. We watch Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader on my iPad mini. You compliment me on getting all the answers right. Bam.

About me: I am a living, breathing garbage can. I am an idiot. I hate Hugh Jackman. I love dogs.