2017 Predictions


Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus Editor

Happy New Year! After we took 2016 out back to the shed and shot it, we now celebrated 2017! We must look into this new year with hope and optimism. We must see a brighter future, not look into this year with depression and despair! We must not see a dark future, for that dark future will not happen if 2017 pays the electric bill on time!

So what can we look forward to this year? Well, TripAdvisor has announced its finalist for the top 10 must-visit places this year and Keller is one of them. The gas stations, fast food, Tom Thumb, Parks and Recs, and the Water Tower must have won them over and not a $1000 bribe. When the results are officially announced we here at The Wigwam will report it. Another thing that we can look forward to is President-Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. It will be a must-see event! If you want to be happy, watch it! If you want to be sad, watch it! If you want to see Hillary Clinton with a fake mustache, a top hat and glasses on, using a sniper rifle, taking a shot at Trump, then watch it! It all depends on what you want to see.

People have asked, “When will you write another quidditch story?” Well, I’m happy to report that we will write another quidditch story! In order to get one, though, you must make a sacrifice to our lord and savior J.K Rowling.  Editor’s note: We here at The Wigwam would not like to be in any way offensive towards people. Even though having something offensive or shocking would bring in reads and clicks, we don’t want that. For that reason, we have removed part of this article containing a Harry Potter Lesbian piece! Shock value isn’t allowed here.

In other news, the Dallas Cowboys will win the Super Bowl. They will beat the Houston Texans 32-0. It will be a historic night! The Texans being the first team ever to play in the Super Bowl at their own stadium and the Cowboys being the first team ever to play in the Super Bowl and beat the first team ever to play in their own stadium in the Super Bowl! It will be great!

UPDATE: It was just told to me that both teams will not, I repeat, WILL NOT play in the Super Bowl. Both lost in their games this week. One got blown out and the other made an epic comeback only to lose it by a field goal. Why the Cowboys didn’t cover that wide receiver that put them in field goal range and why the Texans didn’t play better is beyond me! I’m still salty about that.

One last thing is that President Trump will name himself Emperor of the United States, abolish Congress, Senate, and the Supreme Court, declare war on Mexico, ISIS, China, Hillary Clinton, the “Fake Main Stream Media” and  Obama. He will also be the first orange president ever! So there’s that.

Editors note: We have also removed stuff on Trump declaring a war on Muslims! We want to keep it clean and wholesome for the kids! This article is now less funny but that’s okay! The Asparagus articles shouldn’t have you laughing so hard you can’t breathe.

This year is going to be great! Even if it’s not we here at the Asparagus will be here to give you the REAL news. I hope all of y’all have a great year!