2016 Post election coverage


Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus/Bulletin Editor

This is the 2016 post-election coverage brought to you by the Wigwam. It’s sponsored by Fox News and CNN, bringing you bias to one side since 1980 and 1996 Fox News, we hate Liberals and CNN. CNN, we hate Conservatives and Fox News.

What has Hillary Clinton done after the election:

Hillary Clinton, after conceding to Donald Trump, locked herself inside her house crying. She was reported to be “Not angry at the American people, just frustrated” like your mom when you do something wrong and she doesn’t want to seem mad at you. Bill Clinton came outside and told us “he’s sad that the American people didn’t vote for his wife.” Mr. Clinton added onto that by saying “I just wanted to win so I could get more interns. The thing I love about them is that I keep getting older and they keep getting younger” right before Mrs. Clinton came outside and dragged him inside by the ear.  All while Mr. Clinton pointed at Monica Lewinsky, making a phone with his hand, and mouthing “Call me girl!”  

When Hillary was asked about the protest over Donald Trump winning, she said “I feel honored that they would protest but they need to stop. We need to accept defeat. If he does something bad then we can grab the pitchforks and protest but not yet.”  Hillary has not said anything else on the election even after being hounded by reporters which resulted in her threatening to have a restraining order placed on them.

Many Hillary Clinton supporters are taking to the street and protesting the results. We overheard one protester state “I have no idea what we’re protesting or rioting about but I’m loving it!” One such case is an old man getting dragged out of his car and beaten up then the people proceeded to steal his car. The reason? He voted for Harambe. His car was later found in a river with the words “Don’t vote Harambe” on it. The man is expected to make a full recovery and plans to get his car back. How? Well, he will use the power of Bill Mays and Harambe to get his car out of the river. He was then later admitted into a mental hospital with his car still in the river.

What Donald Trump has done after the election is not shocking. He’s tweeted and pick members for his cabinet. One of his more notable picks was Pepe the frog meme. Leading to many on the_Donald Subreddit on Reddit to cheer. Pepe is their meme of choice.

Many Donald Trump supporters have decided to take their happiness to the internet, where they were promptly bombarded with rude comments from Hillary Clinton supporters. The comments were so rude that many Trump supporters cried, ruining their Kool Kids Klub white robes. One member told me “Those people who made rude comments to us will not get a burning cross of friendship in their yard!” When asked if they are in any relation with the Ku Klux Klan the member said “No! The Kool Kids Klub puts burning crosses of friendship in every type of races yard. The Burning Cross of Friendship represents our willingness to be friends with you. Any relation to the other KKK is purely coincidental”.

Many Alt-Right members have been found harassing Muslims and Mexicans after Trumps win. Which lead to those Alt-Right members being beaten up by Muslims, Mexicans, Hillary Supporters, Trump Supporters, the President, their mother and everyone in between. A Hillary Supporter and a Trump supporter both said to us “This is the only thing we can agree on! Beating up an Alt-Right person.”  The Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump supporter then ended up fighting each other afterward.

Donald Trump met with President Obama after the election to talk about the transition. Many people in the room during the meeting said “It was a very awkward meeting. With awkward small talk.” President-Elect Trump brought a bucket of chicken to President Obama which our current president did not take. Saying after the meeting “That racist *BLEEP* thinks he can buy his way into forgiveness by getting me some g*d *bleep* chicken?!?!” We can not say the rest  but we assure you it was something nice about Trump. Trust us. We’re the wigwam asparagus section. The most trusted news section in the city of Keller.

In other news, Jill Stein has called for a recount in Michigan and Wisconsin. We asked her if it was to help out Hillary Clinton, Mrs. Stein replied “What?! No! It’s to help out my numbers. I assure you, I did better than come in 4th place!”  Gary Johnson has been reported to not want to have a recount. Saying “I’m finally ahead of someone! Please, Jill! Don’t take this away from me!”  Jill Stein has denied making any comments about making poor Gary Johnson cry. Please donate to Gary Johnson and his 2020 campaign.  Gary Johnson, “If I keep running, I’ll win eventually.”

This has been the Wigwam’s 2016 election coverage. We’ll keep you up to date on anything 2016 throws at us. Maybe  it will be Hillary Clinton actually winning in all three states going up for the recount, her winning the electoral college vote, it turns out Jill Stein or Gary Johnson won, or a meteorite hits the earth and kills us all.    

The Wigwam Asparagus section, the most trusted news section in the city of Keller.