Guide to Black Friday


Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus Editor

Happy Thanksgiving! It’s that time of year again. When we stuff our faces with food, leave Thanksgiving Dinner early so you can go into the line for the Black Friday sale, using pepper spray to get that last tickle me Elmo and trembling people as you run into the store. Thanksgiving is just the meal to give you energy, Black Friday is the real Holiday. The Pilgrims made the first Black Friday by getting a good deal off of the Indians for seeds, corn, fish, food, land and all of America. In the end, the Indians won because now they have Casinos. Like Crazy Feathers Casino. Here’s an ad for Crazy Feathers Casino as they have sponsored this article.

How! Come down to Crazy Feathers Casino and gamble. We have a good casino with more slots, tables and other gambling stuff you could imagine. Watch as the State of Oklahoma takes half of your money through a Tax and we take the other half. Crazy Feathers Casino, white man stole our land so we’re stealing his money”.

The Wigwam proudly presents the guide to Black Friday, sponsored by “Crazy Feathers Casino”; You stole our land, so we’re stealing your money.

  1. Leave Thanksgiving dinner extra early.  Those Black Friday items won’t last for long. So it’s better to leave early and get in line. If you don’t have a Mall, Target, Best Buy, Sam’s Club or Crazy Feathers Casino near you then just go to Walmart. You might be cheap but at least you have the dignity to shop at Walmart and not Hobby Lobby.
  2. Bring Pepper Spray or a Bat. Use these to fight off the people trying to get that last Tickle Me Elmo, Xbox, Ps4, Bike, TV or anything that is dirt cheap only on Black Friday. The people will understand what you’re doing and will not get mad at you. If they start attacking you, they’re doing it out of respect. Not that they’re angry.
  3. If you bring anyone with you and they get lost or fall down and are getting trampled by other people don’t help them up. They’re dead weight anyways and you shouldn’t have brought them. Unless they are fat and can be used as a battering ram, then you should bring them.
  4. Spend all your money. The person who said money can’t buy happiness hasn’t seen people on Black Friday who just won a 3-hour fight, tug-a-war or got the last item and are running away from the cash register after buying that item. You will be happy if you buy stuff and blow are your money on Black Friday. It will make your Christmas better after your significant other breaks up or divorces you for wasting all your money. So not only did you just buy all this stuff but you won’t have to share it! HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!

That’s the guide to Black Friday. I hope you enjoyed it and go to Crazy Feathers Casino for Thanksgiving. It’s the best darn Casino in the world and I’m totally not saying that because Crazy Feather is holding One Billion Dollars all in cash in a backpack in front of me so I can write about how great his Casino is.

Happy Black Friday everyone!