The Wigwam’s guide to halloween 2016: Clowns, Pumpkins and Harambe. Oh my

Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus/Bulletin Editor

Happy Halloween everyone. Yes, it’s that time of the year, leafs are changing and falling to their deaths, people are sticking knives into  innocent pumpkins and carving them, kids doing exactly what their parents tell them not to by taking candy from strangers. Yes, ’tis a lovely time of the year.

In honor of Halloween, the Wigwam has made a guide to Halloween that is written by one of the best writers and most knowledgeable people on the staff. So sit back, relax and enjoy this year’s guide to Halloween.

  1. So you want to dress up for Halloween? Here are 3 suggestions. The first is a  killer clown. Killer clowns costumes are the costume most people are dressing up as and the Department of Useless Graphs has made a graph showing that killer clowns will keep on growing in popularity. People like the costume so much that they’re calling the cops so the cops can see it and take you to jail so the prisoners can see your costume as well. The second costume is Harambe. That Meme will never get old and people are trying to keep it alive by dressing up as Harambe. To be Harambe, you need to dress up as an ape, drag a child around (preferably a real one. You can drag around a doll or fake one but they don’t scream like a real child) with a somebody else  dressed up as a Cincinnati Zoo official who is holding a fake gun. The third costume is nothing. You’re a high school student! Not a  9-year-old.
  2. What should you do on Halloween? Well here’s our suggestions, they are scare little kids. Don’t just make them scream, make them cry as well. If their parents run after you as soon as you run away then you’ve done a good job. Now how should you do go about doing this? Well dress up as a killer clown and run after them with either a fake or real knife. It’s really up to you. The next suggestion is stealing candy from kids. It’s simple; run up, punch the kid in the face, hope  their dad isn’t a military veteran who is really fit and can easily beat the snot out of you, grab the candy and run! It’s foolproof!!
  3. Commit Murder…..I mean carve a pumpkin. Carve it, gut it and put it in your yard to show his pumpkin friends you mean business. You can also show those pumpkin gangs to not mess with you. Because you know….Pumpkins do that…..
  4. Drive around in a white van asking kids to get into your van for candy. Promise video games as well. Now also you need to actually have candy and video games in your van. To prove that your van is so much better than that middle aged man’s van.
  5. Hand out something. Now when I mean something I don’t mean candy. Hand out something that is so much better than candy. What’s better than candy? Pretzels, healthy snacks, and toothbrushes and mounds bars. Don’t you remember how excited you were and your friends were when you got pretzels, healthy snacks, toothbrushes and mounds bars? I know I was. Kids will egg your house and teepee it because they like the things you gave out. The groans from the kids that just realized what you have given them are groans of happiness.
  6. Don’t do anything on Halloween. Be like one of those people that don’t celebrate a devil worshipper’s holiday. If some kids come to your door, lecture them on how the holiday is evil and them dressing up is helping feed the devil’s evilness.  Ruin the kid’s Halloween and make them sit there for an hour. Start over every time a new kid comes up to your doorstep. The more time you can waste, the more you’re going to save their souls. If you wish not to be one of those people then just don’t give out candy. Be like that old man who tells kids to get off his front porch. Don’t even set out a bowl of candy. You must also leave your lights on to fool the kids.

So that’s your guide to Halloween this year. Go out and make the most of it. Or don’t, I really don’t care.

Happy Halloween from The Wigwam.