Results of stupid poll and how it shows more students are failing tests

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Thomas Winzeler

Photographer: Thomas Winzeler

Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus/Bulletin Editor

A staggering statistic has been released by the United States Statistics Tracking Union People Inefficient Department (STUPID for short), which is in charge of tracking useless stats, that shows only 1 out of 10 students are passing tests. This stat is staggering and has brought up many questions such as “Are our students learning?”, “Are our teachers bad at teaching”, “Who is batman?” and “Are our kids studying incorrectly?”

After more research by STUPID, they have found 9 out of 10 students are studying incorrectly. Taking that statistic and doing some more research the United States Department of Education and United States Department of Useless Lists have compiled a list of suggested ways for students to study. “Hopefully this list will bring the number of students passing test up,” said W. Edumacated, head of the DOE (Department of Education). The DOE gave the Wigwam special access to look at the list and for us to write  said list down. They told us that “Students are studying too much which is leading to low test scores. Or it could be STUPID fudging the numbers, which they’ve been known to do that in the past, but we trust that they didn’t”.

Here is the list:

  1. Students are to take vague notes on the subject. The more unclear and vague  the better.
  2. Students shouldn’t look or study said notes until 5 minutes before the test.
  3. Students must not analyze the notes or put questions in the notes.
  4. Procrastinating is something students should and must do.  If you procrastinate on studying notes you’re likely to never learn or remember the information. Which is a good thing.
  5. Displacing the notes is also helpful. If you lose said notes, it will increase the likeliness of not studying.
  6. Lastly, the most important thing students must do is not to study at all. When you keep studying you keep the info in your head. That has been leading people to fail more test. So you must not study.

President Obama has said his thoughts on the matter: “Uhhhh this list uhhhh should be used by uhhhhhh all American uhhhhhh stu-uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-dents.” Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton earlier in the week said she doesn’t support the list but after seeing voters approve and like the list, she has changed her stance in favor for the list. She then changed her stance after her opponent Donald Trump said he supports the list. She is now not supporting the list.  The reason for her change of stance? Well, she said, “The list is sexist, homophobic, misogynistic and racist.”  This is leaving many political commentators and voters  confused. One voter even said, “what the heck just happened?”

 

This list should be used by all students in order for them to pass tests. Our government supports it and we at the wigwam support the list. So you should use it.

 

Study on!