Keller Clown Watch

Keller+Clown+Watch

Creative Commons

Mackenzie Tomlinson, Spotlight Editor

They’re here. They’re threatening our children.They’re wearing wigs and overalls.

The clowns have arrived in Keller.

After reports of creepy clown sightings all over the United States, the Wigwam can officially confirm these circus escapees have officially made their way to our peaceful town of Keller, Texas. Just last week, four clowns infiltrated our local Shady Grove elementary school, at a time where all students were trapped in the gym.

These dangerous sociopaths then proceeded to tell the children to “make an escape plan,” and “stop, drop, and roll,” when their clothes caught on fire.

They also provided a menacing puppet show.

Meanwhile, off of Keller Parkway, a sinister looking clown has been spotted lurking around a restaurant whose logo is a pair of golden arches. The clown, known to witnesses as “Ronald,” solicits our city’s youth with cheap plastic toys and “McDoubles,” (a type of hamburger.)

We here at the Wigwam warn you to protect yourselves and your children from the threats that now threaten our peaceful suburban community. Warn your friends about the dangers of grown men dressed in ridiculous outfits, whether they are selling fried foods or teaching fire safety or doing any other suspicious activities.