Duh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuh, We found Batman!

Thanks to Kate Carlin, we have a picture of Mr.Taylor as Batman. She took a picture after asking him to pose for one.

Kate Carlin

Thanks to Kate Carlin, we have a picture of Mr.Taylor as Batman. She took a picture after asking him to pose for one.

Thomas Winzeler, Asparagus/Bulletin Editor

The Wigwam has found Batman. Long it’s been believed it was Bruce Wayne, but in fact, it has not been Bruce Wayne. The true Batman is none other than……………….Mr. Taylor.

How can Mr. Taylor be Batman? He couldn’t possibly fit into those tights and he doesn’t look like batman! He doesn’t have a teenager that he runs around with fighting crime! He would be arrested for that in today’s world and you know it.  While all that may be true, Mr. Taylor has several things that Batman has. Those are

  1. A deep voice. His magical voice is deep, like Batman’s. He could be a voice actor! His voice is batman’s voice. Can’t you just hear him saying “I’m batman” and “WHERE IS SHE?!?” in that Texas southern twang? We can and it sounds  beautiful.
  2. He’s not the hero/principal the school wants, but what it needs. Without him, there is no keller high school. The moment he retires, it shuts down. Keller High School will not be able to function without him. He leaves, Keller High School will go down the drain.  So like batman, he’s not the hero/principal the school wants, he’s the one we need.
  3. He has a signal. It’s a silhouette of his face. We shine it up in the sky when we need him. Even during the daytime. Don’t question how we do it. It just happens.
  4. He has a car. Yes, I know everyone has a car, but his car is special. It’s a smart car. Now how could a man of his size fit comfortably in a smart car? Well, he doesn’t fit comfortably, he fits snugly. It’s a bit of a tight squeeze for him to get in and out.
  5. Bruce Wayne has a butler, Mr. Taylor has a Butler. Now who’s that butler you ask? Well, it’s none other than Dr. Nasra. Alfred is Bald, Dr. Nasra is Bald. It might not make sense because Dr.Nasra is Mr.Taylor’s boss but just go with it.

Bruce Wayne has been just a cover up for Batman. Because who would assume that Mr. Taylor is Batman? No one would assume he was Batman, everyone would think “Mr. Taylor as Batman?!?! Wouldn’t he look silly in tights?”. Mr.Taylor doesn’t even fit the description of Batman!!!  Everyone would assume the billionaire Bruce Wayne was Batman. It’s the perfect cover-up.

     What’s the location of the Batcave, you ask? Well, that information was not disclosed to the Wigwam. All we can say is that it’s in a cave somewhere. Someplace in Keller has a cave underneath it with high-tech gadgets, a Japanese car company (which we can not name for fear of having to pay them) smart car that’s tricked out to look awesome like every Batcar should  and tons of black leather. Did your mind go somewhere dirty when you read “Tons of black leather”? Shame on you if you did. Pull your mind out of the gutter.  

     Why would Mr. Taylor be batman? Well, he needs to fight the crime of Keller High and the only way to do that is if he’s batman. Don’t question it. It’s his life choices and the man is in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Do not judge him.

On the assumption that there’s still doubt on Mr. Taylor being Batman, we have a photo that one of our photographer’s Kate Carlin took. It has all the proof we need and you should ignore the fact that it looks photoshopped. Believe us and believe that Mr. Taylor can fit his body into those tights.

     Note: The Wigwam is not responsible for any property damage done by students digging up backyards, behind businesses or anywhere in Keller. If you wish to sue someone, sue Mr.Taylor. For he is Batman and the one responsible.