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Detox Water

Celeste Bleeker, Staff Writer

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A tragedy has struck our school these past few weeks. As many members of the student body know, detox water is taking over. While not a new thing, I have seen a sudden prevalence of garden-like water. People walk around with plastic bottles filled with lemons, berries, and herbs. Some of the hard-core people go all out with chilis and kale, much to the disgust and slight admiration of their peers.

I wandered around the hall looking for the few pure ones in order to get their take on things. Spying a gangly looking boy hiding from a group of detoxers, I pounced, “I’m with the Wigwam and I was looking to ask you a few questions.” He flinched and started to turn to run but I was quick to reassure him that I didn’t have any water on my person.

Looking relieved, he let me continue, saying, “Sure. As long as it doesn’t take too long.”

“Being the few left uncontaminated, I was wondering what you think started all of this madness?”

Tears filling his eyes, he answered in the voice of a broken man, “I was walking with my girlfriend and we saw some weird girl with glasses and curly hair walking along. *sniff* I didn’t think anything of it until Shalissa, my girlfriend, pointed out the water bottle in the girl’s hand. ‘Look at how much fruit is in that water! I wonder if it even tastes good,’ she said.

“Then, against my warnings, she approached the girl and asked her why she had so much weird stuff in her water. The girl’s face lit up with a maniacal look and she replied, ‘I hate to drink water by itself and adding lemon and other stuff makes it taste good and has a detox effect. I’m trying to drink more water so I bring this to school and refill it. The taste still lasts after three or four refills. Right now it has lemons, blackberries, rosemary, and apples!’ When she ended her infomercial, she beamed and bid Shalissa adieu. Turning to me, I saw Shalissa’s eyes were glazed over and she had this weird dreamy smile on her face. Disturbed, I led her gently to her next class and shook off the experience. Little did I know that this marked the beginning of the Hydration Nation.”

He finished, overwhelmed by the recounting and turns away in despair, fleeing into the boys’ bathroom. I assumed this marked the end of my informant’s usefulness and sped off to find a new perspective.

Avoiding the hyena-like packs of girls sporting the hated beverages, I singled out a straggling girl, bent over with the burden of an overstuffed backpack. “Hi! I’m with the Wigwam. Can I ask you a few questions about this detox water craze?”

“Craze? Craze? It’s not a craze or a fad, it’s a way of life!” She croaked hoarsely.

“Woah. Are you okay?”

I was concerned for this poor child’s well being. I gently helped her lower the backpack to a nearby bench, staggering under the weight. “What’s even in this thing? It weighs a ton!”

“Just my supplies. I’ve got enough water to last me through third period,” she announced proudly. “Sure the lemon’s taking a bit of a toll on my sore throat, but I haven’t felt so hydrated in months!”

Slightly scared, but determined, I pressed on, “But besides hydration, why is everyone so obsessed with detox water?”

“Because it’s just so cool! It looks pretty, tastes good, and makes me want to drink more water. Here, just try a sip of my strawberry lemon water!” she coaxed.

I shrugged. It was just water, after all. “Alright. Give it here.”

I took a sip and reeled back. What was this ambrosia? The water was fruity and lilting, stimulating my senses like 5 Gum, filling me with joy like a new episode of Stuff and Sam. I chugged the entire bottle, coming up for air when there was nothing left.

The girl beamed at me, “See? I told you!”

Unable to protest any longer, I pledged my soul to the Hydration Nation that day. The boy whom I’d interviewed saw me a few days later, a crazed look in my eyes, a smile on my face, and hydration in my soul, and shook his head.

What was wrong with him? Oh, I’d get him to join. Just wait and see.

 

“The Turnip” is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all news articles contained within “The Turnip” are works of fiction and constitute fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.

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Detox Water